Fear of Independent Wandering

Let's take a moment to talk about something that might often gets you dirty looks as a parent.... Free range children/parenting.

 It's a topic that many friends have gotten into arguments about. The well meaning parents who's children are monitored 24/7 tend to get nervous and want (sometimes they do)to call the police when they see a child walking somewhere by themselves, thinking the parents that have free range children are basically asking for something terrible to happen.. The live and let live parents tend to think stifling a child's independent wandering will inhibit experiencing and gaining in-the-moment life skills.

On any given day you'll find my boys wandering and playing in the neighborhood. Maybe they're digging holes, racing on their bikes, playing bad guys and good guys or going on a treasure hunt but I don't know because I'm not normally with them. My husband and I base their independent seeking on the individual child's common sense and maturity, C is 6, J is 5 and A (ASD child) is 2. C is allowed to go on small adventures on his bike up the hill and a block away from the house, he is also allowed to walk to the bus stop alone. J is allowed to play in the circle and must ask for permission before going to the park (which is in between 2 circle- hard to explain) and A is allowed to play right in front of the garage while I am within ear range.

We are the minority around here when it comes to independent wandering and play. Many will not let their children walk to the bus stop alone or with friends, let alone play in their neighborhood without them being outside to monitor the child's every move. What ever happened to paper routes, going to the corner store to get candy, going to a friends house a block away, staying out until the street lights came on? It's a huge shift from what it was like for me as a kid. What happened?

In short? T.V

Many parents have bought into the idea that predators are lurking around the corner to harm their children. Shows like CSI, SVU and the news have made it (in many ways) entertaining to watch crime and death. But fact is violent crimes have dropped 50% since the early 90's and the number of kids being raped, murdered or kidnapped is so small it will normally make nationwide news.

Source: visual photos

Although the thought of anything bad happening to one of my children is devastating its not enough to support putting my children on a short leash but by no means do I let them run wild. Our house has rules that must be abide by, if one breaks that rule they are to come in immediately and if you see them come back out it is because I have confidence in them that they have learned. "Getting them outside gives them infinite opportunities  to explore" says Todd Christopher, author of the green hour. Tethered to me, they'd have fewer chances to hang out with pals and engage in creative play, which is crucial for developing constructive problem solving, creativity and critical thinking, says Susan Linn Ed.D, author of The Case for Make Believe. 

Over-protecting children keeps them from experiencing and resolving disappointment and failure says Bernardo J. Carducci Ph.D. Kids who don't learn to handle frustrations become fearful. They're the teenagers who won't try new extracurricular activities. When they arrive at college, they retreat to their rooms and play video games rather than going out and connecting with others.

I've encountered once or twice the parent guilt that may come with letting your children explore independently. About a year ago C was riding his bike outside and decided he could go down the main road out of our neighborhood, instead of stopping he continued to ride going towards would be traffic. He was taken inside and explained that mom and dad have rules for his safety and it was not intended to be mean. We explained the "look left, look right, listen" rule and the "earshot" rule.. He was not allowed to ride for about a week, in kid time that was more like 6 months. He was allowed to ride again because I felt he understood and had learned.

Should I be more active and hang out more with my children? no. over involved parents are often addressing their own need for closeness rather than giving kids the space they need. Being a supportive parent, in other words, can't always mean doing what's comfortable. It's also about bearing the anxiety and consequences that occur when your child strikes out for new territories. - Richard Weissebound, author of The Parents We Mean to Be.

Bare in mind there are a few things that need to be learned before letting your children out of your orbit.

• Find out what real dangers and hazards are in your neighborhood
• If your child follows through on tasks, owns up to mistakes and tends to look before he/she leaps into it, you are probably safe in saying yes to a longer bike ride or a walk to a friends a block away.
• Practice until you and your child are comfortable. With us it was walking to the bus stop alone.
• Stop watching all those tv shows and movies that show violence. It only fuels your fears. 

Am I strong enough?

One thing that I have learned from Navy Sub life.... You have to be strong.

As a wife of a U.S Sailor and a mother of three, boys mind you. I often find myself being a single-non single parent for months at a clip. Those months apart are most challenging, the car will decide it no longer wants to work right, some household appliance will break down, your house gets torn apart from kids because there is no way you can be in four rooms at the same time to prevent disasters, emails are few and far between and almost always monitored by someone and if you're an unlucky one like some from our boat, the emails will be read and talked about with people who have no reason to know what was in it at all, you're deprived of sex and think about taking up stock in batteries, you learn what deployment insomnia is and you'll mumble and grumble "why does this only happen when he's gone?"

I'm also a person that NEEDS to stay busy, which I think might add to some of my stress. As a 7 1/2 month pregger I decided to re-paint the entire inside of our house....while he was at sea. I picked up armature photography, quilting, scrapbooking, couponing, gardening, baking, pretty much I strive to be a Martha Stewart clone minus the prison time.  I often have about 3 things I'm working on, right now it's a cathedral quilt, canning/baking, prepping to take senior pictures and the most time consuming...starting a business. Although I have my husbands full support and willingness to listen to my never ending talk about vendors, marketing and the future, he still isn't there to be 100% supportive.

Sometimes I get the "uh huh" or "oh cool" monotone response, I get upset but then have to remember that this man is putting in a 12hr shift of craziness known as Navy life. He is the only unfortunate person on his boat to be in 3 divisions and is tasked numerous things beyond the norm. I try to stay positive and supportive all while masking my own frustrations of the days business.

The pressure will build up over weeks and explode into a 'I'm not gonna cook you lil jerks anything to eat, go eat a bowl of cereal and mom is gonna go sit in the shower for 2 hrs, you better not bug me or mommy dearest will come out' mess(you like my run on sentence? good because I did). The kids sit there looking at each other trying to figure out why mommy has gonna coo coo.

I wonder sometimes how strong am I really? Can I really do this? Then I look at all the pictures in my house, I look at my husband, my children and know I not only have to be strong for me I have to do it for all of them......So I suck back all my emotions and frustrations and go through another day of a Navy Sub life.

These are all my knuckle heads :-)

What Navy tales do you have that makes you wonder "am I really strong enough for this?"

Military Family Pictures- T Family

I have the wonderful privilege of knowing this family. I have never felt so welcomed and loved as a person, as a friend, as a military wife as I feel with this family. The "T's" have been through a LOT over the past year but have come out stronger.

They were great sports during this very cold day, our conditions outside dewindled with each passing minute. I had a wonderful time shooting this family.

:)

Foot steps walked so many times.

She drops him off at the pier but takes him with her always

Thanks guys :)

Why Mrs. Santa Clause must be a Military Spouse

1. Mrs. Clause supports her spouse

Because she works tirelessly as part of "Team Clause" the general public defines her by his job. We military wives realize, though, she is so much more!

2. Mrs. Clause will move anywhere to be with Nick.

This is perhaps the most convincing evidence. Who else but a military spouse would follow her husband on assignment to the freezing North Pole?

3. Mrs. Clause makes the best of every situation.

Her generous and kind spirit makes even the coldest of places warm and inviting. She could do wonders with military housing!

4. Mrs. Clause worries about her husband's dangerous job.

When Santa is off flying around the globe, Mrs. Clause keeps her concerns and tears to herself. But we all know she has more than her fair share of gray hairs! Perhaps she has installed a Web cam on Santa's sleigh so she can see (if not actually hold) him on Christmas Eve.

5. Mrs. Clause keeps the home fires burning.

Imagine her leading a family support group meeting for residents of the North Pole. In turn, she's surrounded by love and goodwill.

6. Mrs. Clause understands that his mission is first priority.

Even when Santa is home, he is so busy at work that Mrs. Clause hardly sees him. Like all members of our special society of spouses, Mrs. Clause understands that, though she may be last on Santa's schedule, she is the first in his heart.

7. Mrs. Clause is frugal.

Santa's salary is not published, but I suspect Mrs. Clause clips coupons to support a household of hundreds of elves and eight reindeer (plus the newest addition, Rudolph). Lets not even start on her heating bill!

8. Mrs. Clause knows how to keep her mind occupied.

To stay busy, Mrs. Clause pitches in with the toy making (although it really is someone else's job), bakes hundreds of cookies (we all know how Santa feels about cookies) and volunteers her time (she is just as generous as her husband).

9. Mrs. Clause is underemployed.

To take her mind off of her husband's safety (and to help with the bills) Mrs. Clause probably has a paying job too. Although we know her for her kindness, Mrs. Clause is also a smart, independent self-starter. Since she has to work seasonally and values family life above all else, however, I doubt this job fully uses her considerable skills and training.

10. Mrs. Clause is married to a genuine hero.

For Mrs. Clause and military spouses alike it's worth all of the sacrifice to be married to someone you truly respect and admire.

Mrs. Clause assists Santa and encourages him in his meaningful work. Just as Santa performs his duty selflessly with an attitude that could be best described as... well, jolly, Mrs. Clause also knows how to accentuate the positive. Surely Mrs. Clause is one of us, part of the special breed called the military spouse.