Saturday, June 28, 2008

I play like a Bitch? WOW

I play like a Bitch?! WOW

So I was reading a friend's blog today ( go check it out!! The one I am referring to is "Ya'll Just A Bunch a' Bitches Pt. 2"..

"If he only calls you once every couple of weeks, or even only once a week…you're really not that important to him. Guys know which woman is going to give in to their last minute requests. It's no wonder he only sees you as an object. It's because you act like one."

Fucking fantastic!!!

Got to thinking…."Kim" I say to myself…." What is wrong with you? Where is the woman everyone has called 'the Maneater' "?

By now you're going *scratch, scratch* "huh?"

Kim: "what are you talking about SELF?"

SELF: your dignity!


SELF: you are diluting yourself into think this guy has any long term intentions for the two of you. *slaps Kim across face* do I need to run the list down for you?

Kim: NO!! I get your point 'SELF' so what do I do?

SELF: look up the word dignity

Dignity: a proper sense of self respect and worth; worth, honor, esteem

Women we need to realize-- if they want to be with you, they will make the effort. Stop jumping through hoops and bending backwards to make them happy. In the end ladies you know in your mind and gut if you are dating a douche bag! So what are you gonna do about it? Are you going to let him use you or are you going to take control?

Thursday, June 26, 2008

drug addiction and late night phone texts, rarely work well together

I have been clean and in the process of recovery for close to one year now ( it would be 2 if I hadn't relapsed in Atlanta). Who I am today resembles very little of WHO I was when I first made the decision to find a new way to live; yet there are the aspects of my emotional character formed during my active addiction, that still exist within me today as tendencies that have the capacity to flare up when faced with an emotional tidal wave.

My experience within the realm of personal recovery has allowed me a unique opportunity to discover who I am at the core of my being permitting me to realize that the choice of who I want to be at any given moment is solely my responsibility.

But still after all this time, I still become Doubtful. Fearful. Uncertain. Confused.

I understand that life in moments will present me with the opportunity to change and redefine the current circumstances that are before me, most often occurring in moments of doubt. When the unexpected gray storms of life bear down into my experience resulting in an explosive moment, in which I find myself fully and completely face to face with who I used to be.

Change is a process that is constantly occurring and my responsibility in it's process is to decide which way I will change; For the better or for the worse.

There are times when I take steps forward and embrace the aspects of change that allow me to be a better person, but there are also time when I consciously decide to take several steps backwards; allowing the limitations of my past to reveal themselves in the present moment in time. But which still ultimately allow me to surrender another level of who I am and who I have been, so that I can again choose who I want to be.

There are many layers delicately weaved through the whole of who I am; some are courser, filled with tangles and knots, making them more of a challenge to unravel. But as each new experience, each new awareness, each new realization comes before me, I find myself strangely empowered and capable of surrendering a part of myself that has offered me nothing more then the same it always has.

I become more then I believed possible, releasing those tiny sparks of hope that were the very same flickers of light that led me to the process of recovery…

That led me to the path.
That led me to the journey.
That led me to the person I am.

That within every struggle, challenge, achievement, success or moment of doubt allows me to define who I want to be. From the darkness of the storms of life, I am able to choose from the rainbow of possibilities the person I am and the life I want to live.

Last night I also realized that this road to recovery is a path that is lead by me. Ultimately the fight against addiction is fought by one person; you. Although we get support from varies groups and family/friends, this road we walk it a path fill with many hurdles. It is the strength and courage of that person who chooses to be sober that ultimately changes the direction of their life; the support from friends and family hold values no sober person can imagine.

I had a moment of weakness last night; and no I did not touch a drug but I went to a person I thought would be there for me to find this person not really caring. He said, yes he didn't want me to touch drugs again but I was going to do what I wanted. And yes that statement hold truth when you need that support to be strong for you, your not looking for the " don't do, but you'll do what you want anyways" speech. Your looking for SUPPORT, the help, the word of advice that will get you past this hump of reversion. And may I just add that important topics should NEVER be texted!! It loses something in the mix of texting.

So moral is?

1. You have to be strong for yourself when no one else will be for you.

2. If the person you're dating doesn't help support you through these times, then maybe you shouldn't be with them at all.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

I cant take not having sex!!

three weeks since a tender dawn goodbye of rough sex, things are getting ugly.

It's no exaggeration to report that I have never in my life been as horny as I am at this moment. I'm not cute horny right now, either. I emit the giggling blonde co-ed's level of horniness in my sleep. I'm talking about something else… a raging, vicious horniness that puts me in a horrendous mood during the day and turns me into an out-of-control, can't-get-enough, screaming-for-more lunatic at night.

I've gone through more batteries in the last four days than I typically do in months. I've used toys in ways they weren't intended. I've watched porn. I've broken all my self-serve orgasm records with ease, but never once felt like it was enough. I didn't know it was possible to come this much and still be so fired up.

My bedroom has turned into a disaster zone of pleasure. Toys strewn everywhere, a bottle of Liquid Silk running dangerously low, underwear littering the floor, blankets a madness of tangles.

And I see Scores's cock everywhere. Usually I just imagine it from time to time….. But today, I sat at my house seeing his beautiful erection just inches away from my face. All freaking day. Jesus.

There are drawbacks to fucking yourself too much. My right arm is going limp, for instance. I've ripped a magazine and a book because they were unknowingly in my way on the bed. My laptop survived a fall, but a knocked-over glass of water soaked through a favorite novel. Tonight, the brute force of getting myself off with the Rabbit somehow caused a smaller, typically ignored toy called the Dolphin to magically start vibrating on its own from the floor. I watched in amazement from the bed as the toy dolphined-itself across my floors. And after a freaking stupid comment I was again denied SEX tonight! Is this guy a monk or something? Cause if I don't get some soon Im gonna go ape shit or date someone else!!!!!!

Am I now so desperate for sex that I'm causing random sex toys to spontaneously get off when they're around me? What the hell is that!!!

I have either reached new heights or sunk to new lows this week; it's hard to tell which. But damn, at this rate, how am I going to make it to Wednesday or Thursday? Because I don't think my right arm is going to last, and I wasn't planning on making another battery run before I went to work... I'm sure my coworkers would really appreciate a mood turnaround sometime soon, too. You'd think 10+ orgasms a night would accomplish that, but no. I swear every one just makes me more and more moody, more and more pissed off that I can't calm down on my own.

Holy fuck, ladies. How bad is it going to get? This is ridiculous.

I think I need an intervention.
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