I have been clean and in the process of recovery for close to one year now ( it would be 2 if I hadn't relapsed in Atlanta). Who I am today resembles very little of WHO I was when I first made the decision to find a new way to live; yet there are the aspects of my emotional character formed during my active addiction, that still exist within me today as tendencies that have the capacity to flare up when faced with an emotional tidal wave.
My experience within the realm of personal recovery has allowed me a unique opportunity to discover who I am at the core of my being permitting me to realize that the choice of who I want to be at any given moment is solely my responsibility.
But still after all this time, I still become Doubtful. Fearful. Uncertain. Confused.
I understand that life in moments will present me with the opportunity to change and redefine the current circumstances that are before me, most often occurring in moments of doubt. When the unexpected gray storms of life bear down into my experience resulting in an explosive moment, in which I find myself fully and completely face to face with who I used to be.
Change is a process that is constantly occurring and my responsibility in it's process is to decide which way I will change; For the better or for the worse.
There are times when I take steps forward and embrace the aspects of change that allow me to be a better person, but there are also time when I consciously decide to take several steps backwards; allowing the limitations of my past to reveal themselves in the present moment in time. But which still ultimately allow me to surrender another level of who I am and who I have been, so that I can again choose who I want to be.
There are many layers delicately weaved through the whole of who I am; some are courser, filled with tangles and knots, making them more of a challenge to unravel. But as each new experience, each new awareness, each new realization comes before me, I find myself strangely empowered and capable of surrendering a part of myself that has offered me nothing more then the same it always has.
I become more then I believed possible, releasing those tiny sparks of hope that were the very same flickers of light that led me to the process of recovery…
That led me to the path.
That led me to the journey.
That led me to the person I am.
That within every struggle, challenge, achievement, success or moment of doubt allows me to define who I want to be. From the darkness of the storms of life, I am able to choose from the rainbow of possibilities the person I am and the life I want to live.
Last night I also realized that this road to recovery is a path that is lead by me. Ultimately the fight against addiction is fought by one person; you. Although we get support from varies groups and family/friends, this road we walk it a path fill with many hurdles. It is the strength and courage of that person who chooses to be sober that ultimately changes the direction of their life; the support from friends and family hold values no sober person can imagine.
I had a moment of weakness last night; and no I did not touch a drug but I went to a person I thought would be there for me to find this person not really caring. He said, yes he didn't want me to touch drugs again but I was going to do what I wanted. And yes that statement hold truth when you need that support to be strong for you, your not looking for the " don't do, but you'll do what you want anyways" speech. Your looking for SUPPORT, the help, the word of advice that will get you past this hump of reversion. And may I just add that important topics should NEVER be texted!! It loses something in the mix of texting.
So moral is?
1. You have to be strong for yourself when no one else will be for you.
2. If the person you're dating doesn't help support you through these times, then maybe you shouldn't be with them at all.